It is said that the father is the breadwinner of the family, but what happens if a father cannot provide for his family? In the face of financial challenges and difficulties, how do fathers cope in taking care of their families? We spoke with these fathers to find out how they are able to cater for their households, and how they are coping amid the present economic realities in Nigeria.
Sam Oracle Chinedu – Broadcast Journalist, Communications Consultant, Motivational Speaker
How many children do you have?
I have three; One biological and two adopted. In my household, I take care of three kids.
What does providing for your family mean to you?
It’s everything. If you’ve made the conscious effort to start a family, it’s one of the things you have in mind. You don’t want to start just because it’s a cool thing to do. Part of the reasons I delayed having children was because we didn’t think we were ready. When my wife and I got married, even before we got married, we told ourselves that we wanted to wait for a while before the kids came. And we waited a year or two because there were things we still needed to achieve on an individual level and together. When we felt we were ready, the baby came.
Being ready involved a bit of financial, and may be some emotional maturity. So, it was a consideration. Are we going to be able to provide? If we’re not able to answer that question, we would not have proceeded. So, yeah, it means everything.
How do you balance the financial aspect of providing for your family with other responsibilities?
When you use the word “balance”, it means that those things are not supposed to coexist; it means you’re handling this and then handling that, but I like to bring everything into an ecosystem. That way, you’re not trying to balance, you’re trying to flow. For example, you have many responsibilities – To your family, you are the head. At the office, you are a colleague. To your children, you are a father. To your wife, you are a husband. Now, you see these are different roles, but it’s the same you. You just play those functions when you are in that environment.
So, I don’t try to balance because it means that it’s shaky; I just try to flow. Create a system where, (and I use the word try) because it’s an attempt) you have something coming in to cater to family but you also have something coming in to get out to other responsibilities. You know, sometimes, you may even want to spend money on your own hobbies. Yes, you would pay more attention to family because you know that that takes center stage, but I like to think of it as a flow not a balance, that somehow I’m able to attend to the different parts of my life and nothing is left out.
What steps do you take to ensure the financial stability and well-being of your family?
The thing is many times we talk about saving and managing, but the truth is, if you just increase, how much comes in? It’s going to be easier. Anybody that has just one job now is at a very huge risk; The person is endangered, unless that one job really brings in a lot. So, most times, besides going on the air, many people who are broadcast journalists are also MCs at events. Like I said, I do trainings. I’ve hosted one this year. Another one is coming before the end of this year as well.
I have represented some companies and I was a brand ambassador for a real estate company. The contract just ended and something came in from there. I have done marketing consulting for one or two brands. I just started at the end, but by God’s Grace, it’s moving. Yes, the money might not be regular; It’s not coming every week or every month, but you are making conscious efforts to ensure that beyond your day job or your regular salary, there’s something else coming in because there’s always a need that pops up, and there are things you don’t see coming.
For example, you know how much the bag of rice is now. A year ago or two years ago, it wasn’t like this, so you would always have need. Always…There’s no ‘if’. It is ‘when’. Definitely, you have to increase the money that comes in. So, I take on as many roles and responsibilities as I can attach to my primary assignment, which is media. That’s how I ensure that there’s a whole lot more coming in.
How do you involve your family in financial decisions and teach them about money management?
At this point, of course, it’s my wife and I, we are responsible for the financial planning. We have the allocation of the funds. We know what the family income is. And by family income, I mean she and I, not what I’m making, not what we are making. So, I have what I bring in. She has what she brings in, and we put the most money to the most pressing needs. As a family person, you’re very likely paying rent, that’s if you don’t have your own house.
I pay rent. I don’t have a house yet. You have tuition for the kids because they’re all in school. Obviously, that would be more important than a new pair of shoes for me, or maybe, I want to get a new iPhone or something.
So, we know what’s coming in and we already have an allocation for what goes where. Now, you know that it will not always work like that because with inflation and some other things, some demands will be more pressing. So, what I
try to do is increase family income, which means more money should come in. That is why, I have all those jobs.
Secondly, make the right sacrifices…Uh, opportunity costs. Sometimes, you have X amount of money, but you have X and Y things to do, and at a particular time that money can only solve one problem. So, you push it in the direction of priority – The more important need. If I have N200,000 for example, and one of the kids’ school is saying, if they don’t pay school fees tomorrow, she should not come to school, and then there’s something else you need to buy in the house which might be important as well…Obviously, the tuition will be more important at that time. So, it’s also having the common sense to know where to push the money.
Have you faced any significant challenges or setbacks in providing for your family? What were the challenges and how did you overcome them?
Oh my goodness, yeah, there are setbacks, and if I’m to explain it simply, it is that the money is not enough (chuckles); That’s the setback. You have a hundred needs and your capacity is just 50 or 40, which is where the opportunity cost comes in. You have to put money in the most important places. That’s the first thing. The second, like I’ve said earlier, increased purchasing power but you know sometimes it’s not always enough.
It’s a journey that never ends. The third is and this might seem for some people unrealistic – have a good name, have a good reputation. Having a good reputation means that you can be credit worthy – I can’t pay you now but I will pay you. If there are enough people that believe that, that will do a lot for you, because it’s a short-term measure. If there are people who believe that you have a good name, and this is something you’ve earned, and you have a reputable image, it helps. So, that is a short-term measure that kind of helps you buy time.
God also has a way of coming through. There are times where there’s no money and somehow, from nowhere, a client calls you. Something just happens that just puts the amount of money you need in your hands at that time and you know this is what it is for. So, these are the ways that I’ve been able to flow in providing for my family when it is challenging.
Do you share the financial responsibility of your family with your spouse?
Yes, I definitely do.
In what ways do you strive to create a supportive and nurturing environment for your family beyond financial support?
Growing up, our fathers (I want to use fathers because I’m a father) saw financial responsibility as a primary responsibility. This means that a lot of fathers were emotionally unavailable. In some cases, physically unavailable, but because they provided for family, they felt it was enough. Since I’m paying fees, I’m paying rent, I’m providing, right? That’s my primary responsibility.
I would like to not be that kind of father. For me, I think financial responsibility is the lowest kind of responsibility. In my opinion, if you were to rank responsibilities, I think that’s the lowest, because anybody can bring money. Your presence in your family speaks volume. Being there physically, being there emotionally, having your family members see you as some sort of role model. At certain age, every child sees his or her father as a role model. As they grow up, they see other people as role models, but that’s okay. Provide anything else money cannot buy.
I’ve heard stories of people, who left home and I mean, they were raised by great parents, but they were not looking forward to calling their parents. You can’t buy that with money. It doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are.
If you have kids who have grown and from time to time, they still call you for counsel, that means you’ve done something right. So, I want money and financial responsibility to be the lowest kind of responsibility. Let everything else be higher than that. Your presence, your counsel, and your empathy, these are things that I think every family head should strive to achieve because it’s important. At the end of the day, there’s no amount of money that will replace your presence.
How do you manage the pressures and expectations of being the primary provider?
I don’t think I’ve managed it. To say I’ve managed, it would mean that I’m telling you that I already have it figured out. It’s a continuous process, and we become who we are by the attempts that we make. We Africans, specifically Nigerians, the man is the provider. If a woman joins you in the business of providing, what she’s doing is support. That means the load is yours to carry. Hers is to make it lighter. I don’t think the woman should be the primary provider. I already had this mentality before going into the marriage.
By managing it, you know there’s no easy way. Like they say, the way forward is forward. Is it easy? No. Does that mean I’m going to stop or tomorrow I’m going to meet my wife and say from today you’re the primary provider? No, that’s not going to happen. But you just have to keep going, you just have to. That is what it is. There’s nobody who achieved anything in any part
of the world that did not have to go through some pressure. So, the process of tackling those challenges is what defines you. I haven’t managed. I’m still managing. I’m going to manage next year and the year after. We’re always going to be in a position where we have to manage it. But at some point, I’m hoping that we can get to a point where the financial part is no longer a burden. Hopefully, we build systems and structures that help you just handle those parts of your life.
What are some of the values or principles you instill in your kids regarding the importance of financial independence and responsibility?
I have my set of values, which I personally have. And I had this long before I even had a family. And they say you cannot give what you don’t have. Of course. So I use that formula for everything that I do, whether it’s financial. You can clearly see I have core values here so I’m not just making it up. These are my core values. One is authenticity. Others are quality, commitment, integrity, gratitude, and spirit. Let me break them down. Authenticity is being original. I don’t like copying. Now, I know that you cannot live your life having just original ideas. You must be inspired by something. But if you’ll be inspired by something, put your own touch to it. You understand? So, if I get into an industry and this is how it is done, have a way that you define it for yourself. Yes, you might not reinvent the wheel. Let’s take media, for example. As a media practitioner, you’re not reinventing a microphone, right? You’re not doing what hasn’t been done before but let it be that the way you do it is unique. So, authenticity is very important for me. I hate repeating exactly what has been done because if I have to do that then there’s no need for my presence there.
Quality, Order! I like things going in a sequence, so for me one should come before two. When something is arranged, it is easier to navigate. It’s like how they say that if you don’t solve your problem, write it down. When you write it down, you’re putting it in order.
Commitment – I like to finish what I start. Does it happen every time? No. There will be moments where you can’t, but I like to. If I put my mind to something and say, I want to do this, I like to see it to the end.
Integrity – To be trusted. If there’s anything that’s going to involve spoiling my name, I don’t want to be a part of it. Also, there’s something I believe, people might not agree, but I believe that every man who steals money cheats on his wife. It is my personal opinion. So, if you have politicians who are using money that is not meant for them, they can cheat on their wives because they are going against their word. You have given your word to your wife. We are going to do this forever. You have given your word to the people you represent. So if you can steal their money, you can cheat on your wife. That means if we can’t trust you once, you can fail in every other thing.
I take integrity very seriously. If I know I cannot handle it, I will not do it.
Gratitude, of course. When people come through, when a person does something, when a person has been there for you, it’s very important that you let them know that you’re grateful. I can’t remember if it’s Chimamanda Adiche, who said a lot of people receive flowers only in death. We are very good at appreciating people when they are not there or telling them when they can’t hear.
So, be grateful to the person while they are alive. Hail them, let them know. Let them enjoy it while they’re still alive. So, I ensure I show gratitude.
Then spirit. What people call religion. I don’t like to use the word religion. Religion is an organized human structure. I like to make sure that I have a connection with the spiritual.
These are my core values for life. If we’re talking financial, I would find a way that these will apply to my finance. If we’re talking career, whatever it is, what I do is just pull up these core values and plug in.
If I’m going to teach my kids, I’m not going to suddenly invent a value to teach. It should be taken from right inside when it’s there, because you can’t give what you don’t have.
How do you communicate with your spouse about financial matters and ensure a unified approach to providing for the family?
Well, we already have a structure. Like I told you, I don’t communicate every time money comes in. We already have a percentage; This goes to this, this goes to that. What we do is we just try to implement what we have already created.
I know that there are times where sometimes your structure doesn’t work for
the current reality. For example, I know families who had plans for spending their money and managing their money, but before you know, three family members from nowhere started living with them. You know, this is disruptive. So, sometimes the plan you have in place is not enough to handle your current realities. That’s a fact. That’s life. But I’m a very big fan of planning, then executing. We would look at what we have as a plan, and if we need to do better with it, we do. But I don’t want to talk to my wife every time there’s money to plan for this money. I like that we already have something and when money comes in we just use the existing formula so that’s what happens.
How are you coping with the present economic situation in terms of providing for your family?
It’s tough. One thing we’ve had to do is to cut down. I think any smart family now would have to do that. For example, I grew up in a home where my parents bought things in bulk and I’m grateful to them for that. We were not very big on buying in units or retail.
If it was rice, my dad would buy a bag of rice. When we went to the market, it was always an event because we’ll come back with a carton of this, a pack of that. So that’s the kind of family I grew up in, and when I started my family, I employed that.
With the economic challenges now, it’s not very easy. Those who used to buy a bag of rice are cutting down to half a bag, and if they can’t do half bag, they cut down to a quarter.
We are cutting down now. That’s the reality that has hit us and it’s what you have to do because you want the available resources to go far. I know that there are people who might not find it easy maybe because of ego, pride or whatever. One of the biggest places where this happens is with your children’s school. Let’s say they are going to a particular kind of school in a particular kind of area, and with the way it is now, you can’t keep paying that. If you look at it and it has lingered for quite some time, you might have to withdraw them from that school.
I’ve had to cut down. We’ve had to readjust; we’ve had to rewrite some things because we can’t operate at that same level anymore. But like I’ve said before, the ultimate goal is to increase your purchasing power.
Can you share any rewarding experience you’ve encountered in relation to providing for your family?
It is priceless when you do something for family members and they just tell you, “thank you very much”. You can’t buy that with money. The feeling is priceless and you want to keep feeling like that. So, that is fuel to your fire. It motivates you to keep doing that. There are many other rewards, but on a basic level, the gratitude that comes from it, is amazing.
To be continued…
Watch out for the concluding part of this episode of Dadsperience as we have more fathers speak on the topic.
Share your personal experience about providing for your family with us. Also let us know your takeaway from this episode.